Four Agreements

from Carol

Each time the holidays approach, I am reminded of family gatherings when I was a young child.  The beautiful moments of food, frolicking and football were always scattered among a few arguments about God or politics or the best make and model of a favorite car.  Things haven’t changed much, and although these conversations are mostly unimportant and inconsequential, they evoke some pretty powerful words and emotions.

CP is a small school and I often {jokingly} say that it is like Thanksgiving… every day.  Meaning, that due to the intimacy level, the students often speak and act toward one another like siblings or close family members.  On a daily basis, there are students helping students, playing a chess game or two, walking and grooming the animals, and collaborating on a project.  There is also the occasional argument.  With awareness, these disagreements can be used as excellent learning opportunities.

One such moment occurred recently –  some of our students experienced some family/brotherly arguments and altercations. While it is never appropriate to be disrespectful, it does happen.

We took this opportunity to discuss, in small groups, the following items:

1) Our words are as powerful as our fists and both need to be respectfully honored and controlled.

2) Our actions and behaviors have the ability to build up each other and the group, or tear them down.

3) Confronting our shortcomings and speaking our understanding and apologies to one another face to face, and acknowledging our own insecurities can be humbling and provide healing.

Although there are times that behaviors occur and things are said that are not appropriate and certainly not expressing the highest version of ourselves, we learn to be compassionate, patient, and an exemplary part of a larger community.

Let is remember to focus on the long term positive expectations of character that we hold for our children, instead of on the temporary and occasional lapse or regression.

And, of course, let us remember to always model that which we want followed.

I am reminded of the Four Agreements of Toltec wisdom: 1) be impeccable with your word; 2) don’t take anything personally; 3) don’t make assumptions; 4) always do your best.

I encourage you to share and discuss these with your children at your next family gathering.  If you are interested in reading the book with your family… it will serve you and your family well… with many giving thanks.

 

 

 

 

Happy Parenting: 15 Things to Let Go of

Because parenthood is challenging, we can sometimes forget how to just be happy in the midst of it all.

Consider which of these 15 items keeps you from happy parenting. Let them go. Allow yourself to be a happy parent for your child—and yourself!

1. Give up “supposed to”

We were conditioned by our own early family experiences to believe that parenthood or childhood are supposed to look a certain way. But if you hold onto the way things are “supposed” to be, you may miss enjoying how they actually are. Be willing to question what you prioritize as a parent and why.

2. Give up on keeping score

What does your mental score-card keep track of… Which parent does more? Who’s most consistent? Which mom contributes most in your child’s class? Who’s most involved in your homeschool group?

Keeping score wastes energy. Just do what you feel inspired and able to do. Don’t feel obligated by others’ contributions. Don’t obligate them to live up to yours.

3. Give up force

As a parent you have a responsibility to set boundaries. But if a child consistently resists a certain boundary, don’t just force them to comply. Ask yourself and your child, “Why?”

Think of yourself as your child’s trusted and effective guide, not their dictator. When they experience you this way, they’re more likely to listen, which means less struggle and frustration for both of you.

4. Give up yelling

If you’re not a yeller, this one isn’t for you. But if you tend to yell when upset, consider this question: Has yelling strengthened your relationship with your child?

Yelling usually happens in anger and it often frightens and intimidates children. It destroys trust and a child’s feeling of safety. Pay attention to times and circumstances when you yell and then commit to changing those scenarios in the future.

5. Give up your need to look perfect

No such thing as a perfect parent. Embrace your imperfections. Laugh at yourself. The best parents are willing to always learn, change and improve.

6. Give up worry

Compulsive worrying doesn’t make your child any safer. It doesn’t make you any happier. And it teaches your children to live in fear. Release your worries and cultivate gratitude for your child’s safety in the present moment.

7. Give up one-size-fits-all rules

Every child is unique. What works for one won’t always work for another. Certain standard rules apply across the board (for example, everyone needs to speak respectfully). But consider the possibility that being a fair parent doesn’t mean doing the exact same thing in the exact same way for every child.

8. Give up the food fight

If you demand a certain number of bites from your children, you set yourself up for struggle at the table—and you set your children up for struggles with food later in life.

Guide, direct, encourage, and prepare healthy food. Let your child voice their preferences. Focus on healthy overall patterns, rather than forcing a certain regimen at a specific meal.

9. Give up your role as events coordinator

If you feel like parenthood is a treadmill you can’t keep up with, you may be taking too much responsibility for your children’s time. Make plans that are supportive to your children’s development, but don’t map out every minute for them.

Downtime is supportive to many children. Moments of boredom allow children to take responsibility for their own time. Make resources available and then let your children create the experience they want. You’ll all be happier.

10. Give up unhealthy self-sacrifice

As a parent, you generously give love, time, and attention. But you shouldn’t give up your core self just because you’re a parent. When you ignore your basic needs, you teach your children that when they grow up, they shouldn’t take care of themselves.

11. Give up guilt

Parents sometimes fall into the self-sacrifice trap because they feel unnecessary guilt. Guilt can be useful if you use it to recognize where you need to make changes. But overwhelming, paralyzing guilt that makes you feel worthless as a person or parent doesn’t accomplish anything. You are enough, just as you are.

12. Give up one-sided decisions

As the parent, you often have the final say. But you and your child will both be happier if it’s not the only say. When age-appropriate, involve your child in decisions that will affect them. By showing children the decision-making process, you’ll empower them to make their own good decisions in the future.

13. Give up negative messages

So many messages are repeated to children: you’re too loud, you’re too quiet, you ask too many questions, you’re exhausting, you’re demanding, you’re too talkative, you should make more friends, quit moving, speak up, settle down, smile more.

You can comment on the exact same behavior in a positive way. For example, you can see the trait of, “You’re too talkative,” as “You really make friends easily.”

14. Give up your own childhood story

What did you experience that you most want your children to avoid? Being teased at school? Lack of money? Feeling not-enough? Your fears may actually set up that same pattern to be re-created. Don’t trap your children now in your fears of the past. Let them go. Create what you want, not what you don’t want.

15. Give up on giving up

I’ve heard from parents who worry that they’ve damaged their child, or that they’ve made a mistake that will last a lifetime. I’ve said this many times:

It’s never too late to be a better parent.

Whether your children are 4 or 40, they respond to genuine love from their parents. The effects of mistakes may take a little longer to overcome if your child is older, but it’s never impossible to show up as the happy, supportive parent that you are meant to be. Don’t give up! You have everything you need to be a good parent.

Ok, deep breath.

It’s time to let go of whatever keeps you stuck and let the happiness in!

http://thechildwhisperer.com/15-things-give-up-happy-parent/#sthash.nX2x0RII.dpuf

Micro Managing Children

This article from Psychology Today explains the dangers that come from parents micro-managing their child’s education (and other aspects of life) without the substance of  confidence to back it up.  Of course we all want the best for our children – to provide the very best opportunities – but the most pampered and force-fed child is not always the most prepared.  The one that has learned how to play the game, or better yet, learned how to manipulate mom and dad to manipulate the game often find out later they were playing the wrong game.

Perhaps proper preparation means that we allow them to fall down and then have the courage to get back up.  Perhaps it is important to let them face the fear and confront someone and even apologize for doing wrong.

Let’s grow our children with integrity, confidence and knowledge of truth.   Give them support to succeed but don’t mow down every sticker bush, and weed out every inch of the path along the way.

Encourage them to pick up a tool and work their own garden.  Let them fail.  Let them succeed.  They know the difference when it is their own.  And this will give them the confidence to manage their own important moments as well as enjoy playing the game.

Photo Gallery

Take a look at some photos of the students on the court and in the classroom!

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  • Just west of the Hill Country Galleria on Hwy 71 past 620, across from McCoy’s
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